Adidas takes on Microsoft and Apple

After Puma's foray into the cell phone business with the 'Puma phone', it’s the turn of Adidas to enter the technology industry. Adidas have come with with an Operating System to take Microsoft and Apple head on.

Testing is in advanced stages and industry insiders have said that its "mind blowing".

Adidas has given it to the public for Beta testing but have hit upon a roadblock. None of the users have actually managed to test it.

Adidas officials have been baffled by this but closer studies have revealed that the users were simply not getting past the welcome screen.

At the welcome screen, the adidas logo along with the name of the Operating System, 'AdiOS' comes up. Users were bewildered to see a good-bye message- 'Adios' at the opening screen and were constantly retrying to start up the machine by pushing the power button.

Adidas has planned a high level meeting to address this pressing issue. Watch this space for more.

                                                                                                    -By our Staff Reporter

India Works

Thousands of castes, lakhs of sub-castes and countless divisions within them. Each community with its own identity and customs; customs that offer differ from household to household! Customs that often lead to conflicts, not just between communities but also within them. Caste tensions; Communal tensions; Religious tensions; Riots here; Stampedes there; Death everywhere. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Parsis,  Buddhists, Sikhs, Jains, to name a few. Yet, we are the largest democracy in the world, and a pretty well governed one at that. So how then, does India work?

The immediate reason that comes to mind: Well, as a people, we are a pretty satisfied bunch! I mean, think about it. In general, we are by and large happy with what we have, and if not, we simply don’t bother. We look around, shrug our shoulders and say, “Oh well! That’s life.” To quote V.S.Naipaul, “as long as the environment around us doesn’t change significantly, we are quite happy to let things be.” Corruption is rampant; power is grossly misused; politicians take undue advantage of the facilities and privileges available to them. All this happens in broad daylight, and yet in spite of all this, India grows at 8% economically year on year. One word: ‘WOW!’ Or maybe another: ‘HOW?’

Let’s start from the top. The top brass of the country generally make the right noises but do very less (I guess barking dogs do indeed seldom bite). We are quite satisfied to hear of all the grandiose plans chalked out for our future and live in the euphoria of it all. Then, after a while, we start to realize that nothing substantial has happened. We start to make noises. Soon enough, some of the so-far-dormant-plans spring to life and before we protest about the delay and inactivity, newer and grander plans are unveiled. This fuels us to continue our ‘slumber’. The vicious circle goes on and on. Oh, and if you see a public proclamation of the wonderous achievements of the recent past, be sure that an election is at hand!

Next, how is everyone kept happy? It’s simple really; horses for courses. A policy is adopted. As soon as it outlives its usefulness, a newer one is made; just like that. No questions asked. When the minorities revolt, give them a longer rope to chew; in other words, increase reservation. When the ‘upper’ or ‘privileged’ classes revolt, issue a ‘formal warning’ against such acts being ‘not in the country’s best interests’. If they continue to revolt, increase their number of seats or jobs; easy as you like it!

Politics is quite a force; a reality show to beat all reality shows. Forget ‘Big brother’; this is the big thing, brother! “Oh! Why bother?”, you may ask. Yet, we do bother and the agent we should thank for this, is the media. Sensationalism has made the country, and indeed the world what it is today, but that’s for another discussion.

We want to unite the rivers of the North and South when we can’t reach a consensus on water sharing between neighboring states. We want to build a road network to connect the four corners of the country when highways connecting adjacent cities are in tatters. We want to touch the stars, without getting up off our comfortable couches. Yet, the country blossoms and blooms.

Only in India! Only in India!

Footnote: This was actually written along while ago. I actually wrote it and was just simply too lazy to type it out. With India completing 60 years of becoming a republic, I figured that it was indeed the right time.  Here’s to India.

Cheers

To Reuben

He was 95.
He had a multiple organ failure.
He led a full and fruitful life.
He was loved by many, loathed by quite a few as well.
He had his entire life to look back on.
He was mourned by many, with full press coverage.

He was all of 23.
He was hale and healthy.
He led a good life, until then.
He was loved by all, loathed by absolutely none.
He had his entire life to look forward to.
He was mourned by many, albeit silently.

Spare a thought for all those lesser known people but who have equally touched many many lives as the famous ones.

To Reuben Javvaji,
Rest In Peace.
21 Oct 1986 - 16 Jan 2010

The Treble - A Decade On

It’s been ten and a half seasons since the glorious treble of 1998-99 and so far the season hasn’t quite gone according to plan. On the face of it, the season so far doesn’t look too bad; Only 2 points behind Chelsea in the Premier League with half the season to go; Into the knockout stages of the Champions League (albeit, a daunting meeting with AC Milan lies in wait); The semi finals of the FA Cup (against Manchester City and with the blues hungry for any silverware that they can lay their hands on, and Sir Alex insisting on playing a youthful squad,  it does not look too rosy) and of course, the defeat at the battle of the Roses (listless display; no excuses there whatsoever). So what then has been the difference between that all conquering team and this team of “superstars”? My findings:

Leading from the front

The front three this season have scored 28 goals between them (Rooney 15, Berbatov 6 and Owen 7) so far, while in the treble season, Yorke had 29, Cole had 24 and Ole had 18 at the end of the season. Add to this Sheringham’s 5 and that’s a total of a whopping 76 goals between the front four. SAF had three top strikers, any two of whom he could start with in any match and an impact sub in Sheringham. In comparison, his team today has 2 top strikers and Owen, the supposed impact sub as the third striker. Agreed that United’s style of play has changed and that there is a different system employed but whatever the system is, goals are goals; and goals must be scored.

Down the flanks

In David Beckham, Ryan Giggs and Jesper Blomquist, Manchester United had three fantastic exponents of wing play. All three were excellent on the flanks and all the three of them could cross the ball. Set pieces too were more than taken care of. In comparison, today’s squad has one ONE genuine winger in Antonio Valencia, with Nani flattering to deceive, Tosic deemed not good enough , Gabriel Obertan, who is one for the future but is certainly by no means the finished product and Park Ji Sung, who is not an out and out winger. Clearly, this has had a bearing on the team. Even if the crosses do come in, the natural poacher is not quite there in the box.

The false Nine

With the arrival of Dimitar Berbatov, it was well and truly established that Sir Alex had also converted to the philosophy of the ‘false nine’. Until then, there was at least one out and out Number 9 but since the departure of Louis Saha, there has been no real pivotal figure up front, who could be called on to play route one when required. And with Berbatov not quite having the desired impact, and with the departure of Ronaldo, there appears to be no alternate route this season. In the treble season, there were both Yorke and Cole alternating as the front man with the other dropping off.

The waning of eighteen

If anyone watches the highlights of the treble winning season, one thing will scream out; Paul Scholes. If his long rangers were absolute belters, his toe pokes from knock downs inside the box were equally important. He was always in the periphery of the box and joined in the attack with aplomb. With the passing of the years, his dynamism has also been impacted and although his range of passing remains as good as ever, there is no doubting the fact that he is no longer at the height of his powers and that he can no longer produce stellar performances week-in week-out, as he has admitted himself at times.

Oh! Sweet Sixteen

If there was one man the United faithful would love to see at the heart of the midfield even today, it has to be the skipper. Chants of ‘there is only one Keano’ still echo inside the theatre of dreams. Such is the impact of the man. When he was driving United, it was rest assured no one could afford to slack off, even for a minute. That was the stature of the man and the respect that he commanded. More than anything else, it was the winning mentality that was instilled in the team that made him the legend he is today. While United today do have a box to box midfielder in the rejuvenated Darren Fletcher, its Keano’s drive and ambition that they lack. The only one in the current team that comes close to that is a certain Wazza but there can be no comparison really on the influence wielded.

The reinvention of Eleven

Ryan Giggs is a legend. A living legend. A playing legend. When years ago, he burst into the scene with mazy runs and blistering pace, he was hailed as a phenomenon but people seriously doubted what his contribution to the team would be once he had lost his pace. The past two seasons has been as much about the reinvention of the Welsh wizard as it has been about Ronaldo. Giggs has made the transition from an out and out winger to a playmaker capable of more than ably filling into the left midfield or up front (or even at left back on one occasion). His most sensational displays have come from the center of midfield where he has used his dribbling skills to fantastic effect. He has well and truly shown that what he has lost in pace, he has made up for in guile. Looking at him playing today, you wouldn’t guess that he is all of 36 years of age. Yet, for all his brilliance and guile, his passing into a playmaker has left a huge void on the left flank.

The riddle at the back

With a multitude of injuries and the compulsion to play midfielders at the center of defence has severely hampered Sir Alex’s tactics this season and have made United look very vulnerable. Had everyone been fit, it might have been a lot different but one can only speculate. The treble winning team had Jaap Stam and Ronny Johnsen at the back with a young and brilliant Gary Neville, and the ever dependable Dennis Irwin on the sides. Only one defender has been ever present this term and he has been truly outstanding. The small Frenchman has been the stand out performer on many an occasion this season and has been a constant menace to the opposition going forwards on the left flank.

All things considered though, this season still has the possibility of turning into yet another “treble” year but the possibility is quite remote. Yet, with half a season gone and United yet to peak, you do begin to wonder if they will indeed peak. One thing is for certain though; there are exciting times ahead at Old Trafford and the reaction of Sir Alex to this season’s stuttering and struggling will be intriguing to watch indeed.

 

A Traitor In Court

Chapter 1


One fine day, in the kingdom of Alexandria, King Alexander sits on his throne, and discharges his royal duties, that is to say that King Alexander just sits on his throne and … well just sits.

Suddenly, he says to his minister of internal half-hairs, “By Jove, man! I’ve just been pondering…” “About what sire?” asked the minister in all earnest. “I’ve just been pondering ….” And a pause.

“Yes, m’lord?” “Oh, you know … I’ve just been pondering about wondering on what I should be thinking of. I’m sure that it must be something important; after all, I am Alexander you know …”

“I do indeed know m’lord” replied the minister, not a little perplexed. “As you should know. After all, I am the king and that comes with perks you know. Being famous and all.”

“Indeed m’lord”, said the minister begging and praying to God that he be spared this terrible ordeal. ”Hmmm …” thought the king and continued to ponder in wonder.



Chapter 2

 Meanwhile, in the near reaches of the far side of the nearby room, that is, the room next door, was seated the minister-of-all-things-that-were-sinful, or in short, Sinister. He was himself pondering, but unlike the king, he knew what he was pondering about, and that was to stop the king from pondering; in fact, to stop the king from doing anything at all; even living.

A plan was getting formed in his mind and with every passing instant of ponderous thought provoking wonder, the plan was becoming more and more lucid.

He rubbed his hands in glee and gave an evil smirk. Now the audience certainly knows that he is indeed the evil mastermind; well evil for sure but mastermind? Well, let’s just leave it at that for the time being.





Chapter 3

 If there was one thing that really fired up the passions of the people of Alexandria, it was the matter of economics. Before ‘The Great Recession’ hit the kingdom, not too many people actually bothered about the entire concept of economics. Indeed, not too many of them actually knew of the term ‘economics’ and they definitely didn’t even know of the existence of the minister-of- economic-issues-that-were-pretty-much-non-issues, much less his name. This story would be incomplete if the reader does not know of ‘the great recession’ that hit the kingdom of Alexandria.



Chapter 4

 It was one summer when everyone was very happy indeed and going about their business, when ‘TGR’ hit; and when it hit, the effect was indeed ghastly.

Everyone receded, some by two steps, and some by far greater distances, usually four or five. Now what caused this recession?

Well, the great Emperor, on a whim, one day decided that every piece of paper in the land would become money and that his kingdom would thus become the most prosperous in the world. Why did he do this? Well, he just felt like it.

And so, overnight, everyone became insanely rich. No one needed to work anymore. Farmers stopped farming and so there was no food. In fact, even the leaves stopped producing food for the trees because they argued that since paper was derived from them, they were rich beyond their wildest dreams and they would not work anymore.

There were media storms created, newscasters had a field day (though, why the newscasters decided to continue working, in spite of being insanely rich, had most people in a fix) and the minister-of- economic-issues-that-were-pretty-much-non-issues became an overnight celebrity (though no one still knew his name).

Now all this led to a serious predicament. No one did anything, anymore, and this posed a huge problem to the Emperor because he no longer had anyone to cater to his whims.



Chapter 5

And so, he came up with the most brilliant solution.

He announced “anyone found with any bits of paper(money), will be prosecuted and hanged until pronounced dead or the rope breaks(whichever happens first)”

And so, fearing the wrath of the almighty emperor, overnight, people burnt away all the paper that they had (the environmentalists went crazy and tried to stop the madness, citing the damage to the atmosphere, but they were thrown into the bonfire along with the paper).

Thus, parity was restored and Alexander had again became the supreme ruler of the land, and in addition, also became the richest man in the kingdom, yet again (inexplicably, when he had indeed collected all his paper to be burnt, he couldn’t find a matchstick to light the pile and he couldn’t call out for help because all his attendants were too busy burning their own paper).

So what was the role of the minister-of- economic-issues-that-were-pretty-much-non-issues  in all of this? Well, nothing really except maybe providing some absolutely indiscernible mumble about economic terms like ‘liquidity’ and ‘inflation’ that no one really understood or really cared about.

The final outcome?  People knew of the existence of the minister but still not his name.



Chapter 6

 Back in the room next to the throne room, Sinister’s grin had turned into a full-fledged evil laugh (muhahahahaha and all that). He knew exactly what he had to do to overthrow the Great ruler and in the process become the absolute undisputed ruler of all the land. (Muhahahahaha again)

He knew that the one issue that would certainly impact the people was the economy, and his plan was very simple really; he would make sure that the King committed unpardonable economic offences and then the people would never forgive him. After that, getting rid of the King would be easy and since Sinister would then become the greatest hero, his accession to the throne would be but a mere formality. (Muhahahahaha again)

And so, he set his plan in motion.




Chapter 7

 Alexander was a great king, no doubt, but his one biggest weakness was that he tended to trust people a bit too much. Whenever he was asked to sign any document, he did so without so much as a glance at what he was signing.

In fact, one of his rather dim witted ministers, who had aspirations to the throne himself, got the King to sign a document that handed over the entire power of the land to him. After he got the King to sign it, he did a dance, shouted his lungs out and proclaimed triumphantly that he was then the absolute almighty ruler of the land. The entire court, but for the great Emperor was in a state of total and absolute shock but the ruler calmly shook his head and said, “sorry my man but I signed it in blue ink and everyone knows that an official transfer of power can be only ratified if it is signed in black ink.”

Since no one actually knew of such a rule but were too dumbstruck by the absurdity of the argument, they could not even so much as open their mouth and so, in his typical manner, the King took this silence to mean compliance and said quite simply, “Terribly sorry, old chap but it looks like I won this time. Guards! Take him away… Now… where were we”, and that was that.





 Chapter 8

 So Sinister went about embezzling funds from the treasury and depositing them in illicit places, always making sure that all of it could easily be traced back to the King. He had the king’s signature on all the papers of course and the color of the ink didn’t really matter.

He did all this over a period of a week and in the end had transferred around one Million Trillion Dollounds in various illicit places. At the end of the week, he laughed out-Muhahahahaha-in happiness and was generally pleased with himself. In fact, he had already bought a scepter and a matching royal robe to go with it.

Tomorrow would be his day. His time was imminent.




 Chapter 9

 The next morning, all was well in the court of King Alexander. He was, as ever sitting on his throne and … well, just sitting. But today, the entire court was huddled in a hush silence. An intense game of GOFL(Go On, Finish Last) was in session and it was a titanic tussle between Tortie the tortoise and Snell the snail. Both both nearing the finish line, it truly was neck and neck.

It was at this time that Sinister made his entry into the court and upon seeing that no one really gave a damn about him, he coughed a little to gain attention. Didn’t work. He coughed again, this time a bit louder. Still didn’t work. Now he positively went into a rampaging, all-engulfing coughing fit that everyone in the court had to look at him and acknowledge him. Even Tortie got scared and went into his shell and Snell just looked bemused (if it is indeed possible for snails to look bemused).

Now that he had the attention he needed, he addressed the court, “I have a very important announcement…” He was cut short by the minister-of-short-cuts who said, “Cant it wait, Sinister? W’ve got a terribly exciting game going on here.” Completely ignoring him, Sinister continued “ … and it’s about the economy …” Suddenly, everyone’s attention was focused on Sinister. It was the effect of the magic ‘E’ word.

“So as I was saying, there has been a fraud to the …”

Again, he was cut short. This time it was the king himself. “The economy, you say? Hmmm… What about it?” “Well, m’lord, as I was saying” “Yes, yes… As you were saying…” “Yes m’lord, as I was saying…” “Indeed man. You have firmly established your point that you were indeed saying. Now say it”

Sinister was getting exasperated but he thought of the glory that lay ahead and kept his cool. “The economy…” Again it was the King. “Yes indeed. Funny old thing really, the economy. Money and all. Bemusing really. I mean …”

Sinister was near breaking point now but he had come too far to let it go. He interjected, “So, as I was saying my lord”, and without taking a pause even to breathe, continued, “ there has been an embezzlement of funds to the tune of one Million Trillion Dollounds” As he said the last two words, his voice leapt to a fever pitch, not so much because of his conviction but quite simple because of his utter breathlessness.





Chapter 10

 The entire court said “hunnnh”, as one would say when confronted with something that takes one aback, but only the sound here was made by the entire court, and in that hushed silence, Sinister left out his breath, just for dramatic effect (and also because he could no longer really hold it in).

He continued, “And the culprit is ….”

Before the culprit is revealed, we must take a moment to describe the reaction of the mighty Ruler to all this. He was unmoved. Now that we have taken a moment, we shall resume with the scene.

“The culprit is …”, paused for dramatic effect, turned around to face the Emperor, pointed an accusing finger, and said in the most dramatic voice that he could muster, “ ALEX-AND-ER.”

There was another “hunnnh” that followed this dramatic announcement and this “hunnnh” was way more dramatic than the previous one and also way more open mouthed. The entire court slowly turned towards the great Emperor.

Sinister turned to the Emperor and gave a triumphant smile as if to say, “Ha!” The Emperor finally began to take interest in the matter, and leaned forward.






Chapter 11

 Everyone was absolutely eager to know how he was going to defend himself and waited with bated breath for his response. The Emperor opened his mouth to speak and everyone just held their breath. And then, he spoke…

He asked quizzically, “And who?” Those were his exact words. Everyone was stunned beyond belief. Sinister was so flustered that he couldn’t bring himself to utter anything at all. He just gaped at the King and managed to mutter, “What??”

The King again asked, calmly and coolly, “And who?” In the meanwhile, it must be pointed out that the entire court did remember to release their breath but were still too stunned to speak.

“What do you mean ‘and who’?” demanded Sinister, now in a state of very high irritability. “Well, you were going to name the conspirators; you named one of them and were going to name the other when you abruptly stopped. Now I demand to know the name of the other,” said the Emperor with ever growing authority.

“What??” cried Sinister, just stopping short of pulling his hair out.

“Well, you said ‘Alex and er…’ and then stopped.  As your king, I demand that you name the other person involved in this heinous act.”

Now Sinister was absolutely livid. “Me?” he asked again, just to be sure.

“You?” asked the King.

“Me?”

“You?”

“Me?”

“You?”

“Me?” asked Sinister in a voice that was a mix between utter and total exasperation and absolute submission.

“Ha! So it was indeed you. Guards! Take this man away. He has admitted that he is indeed guilty of treason against the Kingdom. Issue an all points search out for a gentleman named Alex,” commanded the almighty ruler, raising himself from his throne and standing majestically tall, all six foot of him.

“Oh! And look …” he said cheerily, just as everyone was trying to get their senses back from utter chaos of the scene they had witnessed. “Tortie has won the game…”

So barmy, Oh so loony,

He was the one, he was the only.

So absurd, they couldn’t help but wonder,

Who else but Alexander the Blunder…



Cheers